These are the stories of courage, hope and inspiration. Today, this Sunday, a story which is meant to bring about hope in one of the toughest of circumstances.
It’s serious, it’s wrong, it’s sick, it’s demoralizing and it needs to stop.
This week it’s about finding a way to end one of society’s most harrowing realities. Being a husband and the father of two daughters I can understand the importance of getting this message out there.
Everyone has a story. This Sunday the hope is that one woman’s story will save a life.
I am Mark Brodinsky and this is The Sunday Series.
The Sunday Series (78): Silence Is Not An Option
The message is simple and has been since the beginning of time: never hit a woman.
Pamela Anne knows this first-hand, at the hands of someone she loved. It’s usually the way it happens. Love – life’s most powerful emotion can be turned against you in a vicious, unrelenting cycle of power, control, abuse and pain.
Pam, a former federal investigator, says she could never have imagined she would end up sharing a story like this one. During the interview it was painful to hear her tell it, to recount any of the details, the long pauses between thoughts, the fear and sadness in her voice was palpable. It’s what happens when you become a victim.
For Pam it began on a dating website. She says she started a relationship with two men she met online. As time went on Pam finally made a decision: “I was dating them both seriously”, she says. “One I decided to marry. I chose one over the other. The one I chose turned out to be the nightmare of my life.”
Pam says the man she chose to spend the rest of her life with was a lot like her father, tough. He had a beautiful home on the water, a boat and his own business. She says she was attracted to the power, the control this man could wield with almost anyone he came in contact with, especially the men who worked with him in his business… a landscaping, hardscaping business which required tough, physical labor. Pam’s husband talked tough, acted tough and ran a tight ship. But what most attracted Pam to her man, shortly came back to haunt her.
The signs started early and it was always about control. Pam says her husband didn’t like the fact that her job as an investigator kept her working after-hours, so he asked her to quit and join his business. She did and she quickly noticed how that one move meant a huge change. “I worked for him, I was the office manager”, says Pam. “I quit my job as a federal investigator to work for him. He asked me to quit my job. That’s when I realized I lost my control and he took it over.”
Pam says it started with verbal abuse and demands: “He didn’t like what I wore, he didn’t like the jewelry I had. If I was out with him I had to look better than a cocktail waitress in Atlantic City. I had to look good on his arm. But I’m a Bucks County (Pennsylvania) girl, I grew up a tomboy, so I didn’t know what all this was about.”
What it was all about was a decade of abuse. From a black-eye Pam says she received on her honeymoon to the day she finally escaped, most of her time together with this man was one of living under powerful control. “We were together ten years. There was abuse about 75 percent of the time. When his business went south, when people couldn’t afford to do things and use his services, and he couldn’t control his men, he took things out on the people he loved.”
She continues: “He used to lock me up in bedrooms and lock me up in closets. He had so much money in a cash business, but he wouldn’t give me money to live. When I took money for food and groceries I would get beat up. Every day I would wake up wanting something to do and he would decide when I could, or could not go into the office. I was running the business as office manager, but he would decide when I could work. I never knew what day he would feel good or what day he didn’t feel good. Did we have a week of good things? Or did I have a black eye or still recovering from a black eye. That’s the way it worked. I was out on a fishing boat, my husband was an expert fisherman. He would take me out fishing and then when he got angry he would throw my purse overboard and anything I had to communicate with my friends and family.”
“After every event, after everything he did to me I wouldn’t go to work, but he would call me by 10am that day. He’d say, ‘Honey I love you, I want to be with you. It’s gonna work. I’ll get help.’ It doesn’t work like that, it never worked like that and that’s what these women (those being abused) need to know, it doesn’t work.”
“The worst attack I had from my ex was during Hurricane Sandy when he had me trapped in our home at the shore. We had a special cabinet in our bathroom with gauze, band aids, neosporin, etc, just for my injuries. I suffered black eyes, broken ribs, lacerated eardrums, had my phone broken, jewelry stolen, car keys stolen… all so much a pattern of the abuse. I was sexually assaulted. I know as husband and wife we can think we can say it like that. But it’s true. When we say no, it’s no.”
To hear Pam describe the details of her time with this man, it’s almost too incredible to believe, unless you live in that world. “I will tell you what keeps us around”, says Pam. “The great personality of the abuser. If I was to bring you into a bar and sit you with my girlfriends and introduce you to him you would say he was awesome. It’s powerful what they have on you. They absolutely make you believe that you are sh*t and you have nowhere to go without them. I took my whole life and put it in his hands.”
Divorced in April of 2014, Pam is now on a mission to help these women of domestic violence to find a way out, or to notice the signs and stop it before it starts. She also says she wants to be there for the women who call police and for the police to listen to them. Pam says every time she called the police, her husband would say she pushed him. It’s a he said-she said. Pam says she wants law enforcement to take it seriously when it comes to domestic violence, she says there is a lack of trust because too many police officers do nothing, or just don’t know what to do. She says there needs to be trust developed so they can take action on the first call, not the 10th.
But there’s so much more. In Pam’s own words from an e-mail she sent to me following our initial conversation:
“It is clearly the choice of the victim to leave. When that choice is made, I’m encouraging women to prepare for the day. Take pictures of all injuries to remind yourself of what happened that day – and send them to friends and family you trust. Obtain a support network. Begin to hoard money. When you do leave, typically after a significant event and you are done, you CAN’T look back!”
“Get help… understand, psychologically, this was not your fault. Talk about it – to anyone you trust. Let people help you. This is key!! Don’t attempt to do this without anyone else’s knowledge. Let those around you help you. This is not a time to feel embarrassed. I can’t stress how important it is for a person who knows of anyone they think might be in a domestic violence to report it. OUR GOAL IS TO SAVE LIVES!”
Pam is sharing her story and taking action to do just this…to save lives. She recently spoke to about 4,000 people at a concert in Pennsylvania dedicated to Domestic Violence Victims. She says she had so many people coming up to her after sharing their own personal experiences. She knows this is widespread. It’s a problem in all facets of society from the high-profile cases in entertainment, professional sports, to the unknown or ignored cases of abuse in your own neighborhood.
Pam is doing more speaking engagements and very recently launched a Facebook Page: Silence in Domestic Violence is Not An Option (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Silence-in-Domestic-Violence-is-Not-an-Option/885292821525921) The page has had more than 12,000 hits and 300 people actively engaged in just one week.
Pam says breaking the silence and making people aware is the first wave of action: “Giving the victim HOPE that their life will be far better once they leave the situation may not be easy at first but the outcome is far better than what it will be if he/she stays. Domestic violence only gets worse with time never better.”
Pam wants this interview, this story and this blog to help get the word out there and let the victims and survivors know they are not alone.
And to understand silence in domestic violence is NOT an option.
Until next time, thanks for taking the time
Mark
Mark Brodinsky: Author, Blogger, Podcaster, Speech Writer, Speaker, Emmy Winner, Field Sales Leader: USHEALTH Advisors (http://www.prweb.com/releases/markbrodinsky/072015/prweb12862708.htm)
Author: The #1 Amazon Best-Seller: It Takes 2. Surviving Breast Cancer: A Spouse’s Story
(http://www.spouses-story.com/)
The Sunday Series is now a podcast on iTunes: (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/sunday-series-courage-inspiration/id1028611459)
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Mark,
Thank you for this powerful inspiring story.
Thanks for introducing me to Pam for her to share her story.
What a courageous woman, thank you for sharing her story with us.
She certainly is. Glad you took the time to read Marty.
Thank you, Mark…..this is such a “dark” issue and truthfully not one people want to admit in their homes when it exists. The message is getting out there!
Thanks Pam for being courageous enough to share!
I know this is a long reply but there are many common threads to the story. I had a college classmate who shared her story and it really goes to show that we just don’t know what goes on behind the scenes of anyone’s life. We need to to make sure that victims of domestic violence have the ability to get there story out without fear of embarrassment, harassment or fear. My friends story was so eye opening to me and very similar to Pam’s story. Here it is:
It seemed so simple: a blind date, arranged by a friend. It led to a quick proposal by a seemingly upstanding businessman, then a picture-perfect wedding. I was proud of how we blended our four children, ages 10, 11, 12 and 13 We were a big, fun, rowdy group.
I had no idea what was to transpire.
Five years later, I loaded my children and little dog into my car and left in fear for my life. The abuse – physical and emotional – of me, my children and his children and our pets – led me, and professionals, to believe I was in imminent danger.
This wasn’t an easy decision. I wanted to believe my marriage would work. I wanted to believe things would get better.
It took a big wake up call to make me see things for what they were: I had married an abuser. Nothing I could do would change that. I didn’t cause the abuse.
It is hard to admit because I loved the “theory” of our life. We had a big, beautiful home, four wonderful children, two dogs, a cat and six chickens. Fresh eggs every morning. A swimming pool. We went on fabulous trips. I wanted to believe that there was a reason I quit my career, that my skills as mother were important. I could cook, clean, decorate, travel and volunteer our way to a happy life.
What I didn’t know at first was my husband had a history of abuse.
What I didn’t know were the signs to look for. The “red flags” as some call it.
What I didn’t know is my story is nearly identical to almost every other person experiencing domestic violence.
Each of us has very personal and specific examples. But the general story, the patterns, they are nearly universal.
I was lucky. I had the resources to dump my car at the local airport, rent a new one in a different name and stay in hotels as first. Most women can’t — so either don’t leave or end up in a shelter.
Once I started doing research on the subject it was shocking. This is an epidemic that has huge negative impact on the lives of so many. One in four women experience domestic violence. Domestic violence takes a serious toll on our children — all children.
How can any child concentrate in school the next day when the police are at their house at 2 a.m.? Mine couldn’t.
When I first left, I told my husband he needed help. He agreed. I was really hopeful that he could change.
It didn’t take long, and some distance, to see that the “standard” fix for abusers: an anger management class and some occasional talk therapy, just was not going to work. My husband had done the same anger program, a court ordered “Men’s Group” for batterers before. He went back to the same counselor. He begged me to come back. He said loved me more than before. He was sorry. Super sorry. Said I was the love of his life.
This is part of the universal story. Every person I’ve talked says they hear the same thing. We all want to believe love will cure all. We are special. But some things can’t be fixed. Women, especially those with children, especially those financially dependent on an abuser, want to hope for better times.
As the weeks went on, I continued to stay away, got a small apartment and tried to assess what happened. What I needed to do next. There was a lot of therapy, doctors, career counseling and self-defense classes. You name it. I needed to figure out what I did wrong and get better. After all, I thought, I am college educated. I had a good job before, I thought I was so smart and capable: I should be able to fix this.
And yes, there was the glimmer of hope that maybe my husband would change.
But I quickly realized that wasn’t going to happen.
In the weeks I left I learned a lot. People finally told me things they had only whispered about behind my back. The criminal record, the history of abuse, the lies, the other women, it was too much for me to believe. I had to have evidence. Facts. After all, I started my career as a reporter. Northwestern trained me well. So I did a little digging. Pulled court records, talked to people. Learned more than I really needed to know. It’s one thing when it’s a “story” another when it’s your life.
I had to deal with police, an investigation into child abuse allegations. I might have lost custody of my son had I returned to my husband they said. The police officers I met with were kind to us. They said they see this all the time in even affluent towns. I was shocked and embarrassed. But a nice neighborhood doesn’t ward off abuse.
I told my husband I wasn’t coming back. I wanted to sell our house, get my things, get my children’s things, divide our assets and move on. Quietly. Quickly.
What happened next was a living nightmare.
The restraining order was violated more than a dozen times, I found spyware on my computer, my daughter’s computer. My bank account was frozen. Credit cards cancelled. I’ve been followed. I got more than 300 emails, texts and tweets. A threatening text from a “fake” number, anonymously signed up for a cremation service and had my life insurance cancelled.
After begging for my belongings back, I got a couple boxes, mostly of garbage. Literally garbage. Some of my clothes were ruined. Instead of my cat, I got a t-shirt with a picture of gun on it covered in my cat’s fur.
I spent more money than I had trying to get divorced.
And when it was final and my belongings arrived from a storage unit he packed – mostly everything was ruined. Every present and sentimental thing my kids ever gave me was missing. I have now learned he kept his first wife’s personal belongings. His sister’s letterman’s coat and yearbooks, a subsequent girlfriend’s things. I guess he thinks that our “stuff” keeps us connected to him. I don’t care about any of it anymore.
Friends say, move on. You are better off. You are alive. Many aren’t. More women have been killed as a result of domestic violence here in the US than the US has lost in troops in Iraq and Afghanistan and all the deaths due to terrorism. But every single other person who has lived through what I did knows it’s not that simple.
Am I supposed to pretend I don’t care? Because I survived I am fine? There are lingering problems that they say only time will heal. But time doesn’t cure everything.
One of the saddest things is that 20 years ago a dear friend of mine from Northwestern shared her story of domestic abuse. At the time I didn’t have the experience or tools to understand or help. But she was there for me 20 years later. She got it. I wish I could give her hug today. But the very real physical toll domestic abuse takes shortens our lives and I am sorry to say, she isn’t here today for me to hug.
In my small community, people I used to be friendly with pretend they don’t see me. I am now one of “those” people. Domestic Violence isn’t a pleasant topic. Ironically, some of the volunteering I used to do was with these same women. I hosted events and worked hard to raise money and gather belongings for women and children in shelters. It’s ok when it’s an abstract concept, when you are hosting a cocktail party or luncheon for a cause. Not so pretty when it’s your neighbor at 2 a.m. with the cops.
I was displaced, much like a victim of a natural disaster, by conditions I couldn’t control. I can’t even say “victim.” The more acceptable term is survivor. Either way it sucks. I hate it. And I can’t do anything to change what happened.
What I can do is work hard every single day in whatever way I can to make the world a safer place. I will share my story, my talents and love and hope that maybe someone else will take comfort in knowing they are not alone. This is a problem that cuts across all socioeconomic lines, all ages, all genders and orientations.
I made a bad choice. I stuck with it too long. I put my children in danger and they were hurt very badly. For this I am very sorry and will spend the rest of my life working hard to make right.
After hearing my story a good friend of mine who is a judge suggested I step up and tell my story.
Last year I was confirmed by the governor to Oregon’s Domestic Violence Prevention Taskforce as a victim’s representative. I joke that if I had done the background check on my ex-husband that I went through to be on the task force, I wouldn’t have opportunity to join such a force. Humor is just one tool to help us survive.
I am now being stalked and have received threatening letters, nuisance mail and obscene texts. Related? Not sure. The police are working on it. I continue to have faith that good will prevail.
#1 FACT:
Most domestic violence incidents are never reported.
My goal is to help change the facts. To encourage others to speak up, speak out, and make a difference.
David. Thanks so much for sharing this story.
Wow! So many parallels to my story and I thank you for sharing yours as well. It is a “living prison” in so many ways which is why “breaking the silence” is so so so important. ABSOLUTELY CORRECT, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE INCIDENTS ARE ALMOST NEVER REPORTED….THIS HAS TO CHANGE. Please go on my page “SILENCE IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS NOT AN OPTION” on facebook. Yes, you are a survivor. THAT IS GOOD! No, you’re right, you just don’t move on as if it never happened, that is true…..but when you wake up knowing that you DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN FEAR…THAT’S A HUGE START…..EMBRACE YOUR NEW LIFE…….SHARE YOUR STORY WITH THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH IT, Learn what others have done to move on…..and Open your heart to the possibilities !!!!