Lights Out, Please!!: It’s Just About… Life.

It’s been called the Miracle of Light. Not so much! We are in a living hell. I’ve got three words for you: Stem Fair Project.

For this year’s project my daughter Emily, (5th grade), decided on a test to see which brand of batteries last the longest, Duracell, Energizer, or Rayovac Alkaline. Seemed like a worthy effort, but effort is now the key word. We had to figure out what we could shove some batteries in, which would then run those batteries down in about a day, so we could mark the time and see which battery was the champ. And you have to do three trials, all exactly the same. So I bought a couple of small Coleman lanterns (pictured). The tag on the lanterns says they have long life of 16 hours. Ok, so we planned turning them on early AM and having them go off that evening, and then we would mark the time. If only…

We are now on our 6th day. Please help us. We are living with lanterns and we can’t get out. They are taking over our very existence. We sleep with them to see if they will burn out overnight, my wife Debbie is taking them to work, and having her co-workers keep an eye on them, just in case they burn out so we don’t miss the time. And yet the light goes on. My daughter Emily sleeps peacefully, we certainly wouldn’t want to disturb her beauty sleep with the glow of these three brightly lit beasts. It looks like a tanning parlor in my house. They won’t go out. Please help us.

Look, they have a switch, you can turn them on and off. We did that the first night, so we could sleep. But into the second day, when they were still brightly lit, we had to make a judgment call to keep them on, in the hopes they might burn out sooner. No such luck. We finally had to go back to the store and purchase two more sets. We can’t wait for this first set to burn out, because it’s taking too long and Spring Break is almost over and the results of the trials will be due to turn in to the teacher. So we now have to run all the trials at once. We can’t even pick a new device to try, because all the trials have to be exactly the same! Let’s face it, it’s now simply a battle of will. Us vs. the lanterns. Us vs. the batteries. I made a pledge to myself I wouldn’t use profanity on the pages of this blog. But WTF?
Please help us.

There are now a total of nine lanterns in different rooms of my house, as we run three separate trials. The inside of our home is now bathed in incandescent white light. My eyes burn when I come down the stairs. I think I might be getting a tan. It just won’t end, at least for us, the parents. What about Emily? Oh, she had a birthday party and a sleepover last night. She wasn’t even home? Nice. I can’t blame her. Who wants to live in this 24-7 nightclub anyway. Start piping in “I Will Survive”, we’ve got the lights, just open the dance floor.

Please help us. Is it the lanterns? Is it the batteries? Is it the next Hanukkah miracle? How long did those lights burn? 8 days right? Ya might want to grab that Bible, I think we’re about to write a new chapter.

At some point this all has to end. But the trouble is the clock is ticking and the lights keep glowing. I believe the results are due by next Tuesday, I don’t think we even have a shot at darkness by then. If I ever hear that Debbie Boone song again it will be too soon.

You Light up My Life? Not so much!

Until next time, thanks for taking the time. And hey, last one out turn out the lights…Please!!!
Mark